There has been a lot of speculation recently about a six-and-a-half ton bus-sized “satellite” hurtling towards Earth at a speed man cannot comprehend. The satellite could fall practically anywhere on the planet with a 1 in 3200 risk to public safety, so the question on everyone’s anxious minds is – where?
Luckily, with the help of some wet receipt paper and discarded boxes of corn flakes, I have managed to find the devious culprit behind the debris of this media crash and perhaps some further, lonesome intentions hidden in his deep, dark and disturbing mind.
The man, obscured only to add subtlety, had joined me in a chat the other day to bring forth his specifics. He passed over several manuals for his famously failed inventions and ventures such as Preparation H and The Alan-Parsons Project, each cunningly detailed and scribbled over with ideas and improvements.
“Sometimes it’s really hard to be this evil,” he claimed. “There’s a fine line between evil and heartless, you see, and if it were not for the clear lack of support from my family, I would be soaking in the frickin’ treasures.”
The man moved the subject to something more hands-on, explaining the motive behind creating something that would isolate billions from their comfort zone for the next few days.
“It really wasn’t my plan to create something that would fall back to Earth and kill someone, but through research of pecuniary values in relation to emotion, I’ve decided to take advantage of the situation and let the world choose between giving in to my power and lamenting a possible death – I have the authority to detonate this thing, for Christ’s sake. With that hovering thought, I demand a jillion zillion squillion dollars or the Earth gets it.”
Despite a “jillion zillion squillion” of any grouped entity actually existing due to mindlessly conjured units, the man kept a serious face for quite some time.
“Sometimes I wish I had made sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their frickin’ heads and sent them up in space, that would be so much more threatening,” he uttered with regret.
This was the only information I could amass from our lovely chat, although what was said described a lot more than scientists could have. One of NASA’s UARS? Complete nonsense. Expect a gigantic willy-shaped spaceship to crash into the Earth’s atmosphere around September 23rd, give or take twenty-four hours.