Eurosceptic about Eurovision

Thomas Howarth relives the Eurovision Song Contest 2011, the biggest gathering of misguided voters since Nuremberg.

I had a dream last year, which starred hundreds of gruesome and flesh-grabbing zombies, all dragging their hollow corpses about. It wasn’t just a cheap, shallow, horror film dream – it had strong metaphorical undertones. At one point, for example, John Simm bounded into view to save a group of us from the slack-jawed cadavers. He raised the British flag, which rippled brightly against the rumbling grey sky, and the zombies gathered round it, completely distracted. I realise now that this was a subconscious metaphor for mindless patriotism. Another message came into being as I, electrified by zombie-induced panic, barged into a house, only to find the occupants unphased and watching an episode of Friends – another visual metaphor regarding the unquestioning apathy, and the televisual distractions, of the human race.

Not sure why John Simm was there though.

Anyway. It is with these notions of ideological and televisual slavery in mind that I plan to discuss Eurovision. I realise that it took place about exactly a thousand months ago, but it is a timeless tradition, and the much-improved 2012 version is on its way. So let me discuss Eurovision 2011 now.

Fleshing out the backstory – a dose of Omegle roleplay

Thomas Howarth dives stupidity-first into the world of online chatting.

Loitering like a busker on the nudity-themed chat site Omegle.com, searching the waves for elusive comedy gold, I stumbled into the most bizarre conversation of my life.

It was bizarre for several reasons:

• For starters, I pretend to be a woman.
• For seconders, the other person, the horny scallywag, believes me.
• For thirders, he attempts to engage me in a sexually charged ‘roleplay’, but I de-sexualise the conversation until it becomes an absurd household discussion.

The following transcript is completely genuine. My thanks and apologies go out to ‘Dave’, who didn’t know that our conversation was going to end up here. I hope you find your older woman.

(Fun Game: Try to guess the exact point at which Dave’s libido dies.)

[Health News] – Smoking more cool than harmful, say scientists

“We no longer see smoking as a part of life,” says health secretary Andrew Lansley. “It’s still very cool, though.”

Early this morning, British experts came to the conclusion that smoking makes you look cooler “several times” more than it makes you die.

Since this confirmation was published, numerous campaigns have swung into action. “It’s exciting news,” declared Jenny Timbers, leader of the ‘Smoke Till You Croak (Which Will Be Due To Unrelated Causes, Don’t Worry)’ campaign.

“Whilst smoking does supposedly have its adverse effects, here we finally have undeniable proof that the coolness far outweighs the danger. Anyway, what doesn’t have adverse effects? My grandfather smoked all his life but was eventually killed by a drunken driver. What are they going to do, ban cars? You just have to take the risk sometimes. When 9/11 happened, they didn’t ban planes, did they?”

Noel Edmonds’ Luxury Communism – Episode 3

Episode 1 – With Cannons

Episode II – The Inferior Second Part

Everything has been leading up to this point.

The revolutionary quest of Noel Edmonds and his sea serpent cohort has claimed many lives and has consumed much dignity, but has it been worth it? Was the death of Jay Leno justified? Was the time travel bit necessary? What exactly is Noel Edmonds?

Read on, reader, and discover barely any satisfying answers.

Noel Edmonds’ Luxury Communism – Episode 2

Yet another Deal or No Deal episode succumbs to one of Noel Edmonds’ historical fantasies. Click here for episode one.

Oh, hello you. Welcome. Step inside. Take off that scarf. Remove those boots. Discard that pet dog. Come and wrap yourself in the overbearing warmth of Noel Edmonds’ Luxury Communism.

The first instalment saw Edmonds and his friend, a small leviathan, take to the streets in a bid to destroy capitalism. Jay Leno was killed in the process. But can Noel bring himself to take the life of Captain Lism, King of Great Britain? Can he? Can Noel do that? Can he possibly?

Find out now, perhaps.

I wouldn’t say that ‘Sucker Punch’ is terrible, but I’ll use similes and metaphors that heavily imply it

This zeppelin, full of film-making skills, sadly crashed on its way to the 'Sucker Punch' set, and the crew had to go without

“Now I’m no history expert – I’m merely a fan – but I’m fairly certain there were no slow-motion upskirt moments during the Battle of the Somme.”

Blindfolded and semi-conscious, I recently stumbled into HMV and picked up a DVD. I threw my money at what I hoped was a staff member and went home to watch it. Unfortunately, I’d just purchased the 2011 film Sucker Punch.

If, say, Michael Caine came up to me in the street and asked me to summarise Sucker Punch in a single sentence, I suppose I’d offer the following collection of words:

“Well, Michael, if a coked-up adolescent Sigmund Freud made a fairly simple tribute to Fight Club, Inception, Kill Bill, and Mean Girls, Sucker Punch would be it.”

Noel Edmonds’ Luxury Communism

Another Deal or No Deal episode succumbs to one of Noel Edmonds’ historical fantasies.

Episode 1 – With Cannons

Shelf o’clock in the morning. Old grandmother clock, looming in the hallway like a cuboid oak soldier, strikes eggshells. Somewhere in Salisbury, a violin whines for its pension. But not here. Here whines Noel Edmonds.

He lies on his golden mattress like a beached blonde whale, crying into an unfortunate pillow. A photograph of Richard Branson’s facial hair is Blu-tacked to the violet wallpaper above his bed, and a small but biologically accurate leviathan writhes on the carpet, aghast at Noel’s distress.

“Noel, what bothers you?” it hisses.

Review: Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy

“A whimsical tirade of colourful sketches written by what might have well been a team of thirteen-year-old Bebo users.”

Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy lived up to my fears, unfortunately. It lacked in both the “Luxury” and “Comedy” departments.

My mind wasn’t blown by the ‘madness’ and ‘insanity’ of it all, largely because it was neither ‘mad’ nor ‘insane’. Nor particularly funny. It was silly words and facepaint. It was The Mighty Boosh without the bits which made it unique, dreamlike, and entertaining. So it wasn’t The Mighty Boosh at all. It was The Mighty Boosh’s inept younger cousin. You know, the one whose dad hit him with a broom at Christmas, 1995, and he never truly recovered. The one nobody mentions for fear of awkward silence. That’s what Luxury Comedy is, bless it.

An Introduction to Channel 5

Thomas Howarth introduces Channel 5, the industrial-strength waste paper bin for everything that real television didn’t want to touch.

What exactly is Channel 5?

Channel 5 is essentially just a televised funeral service for all the damp scraps of rotten flesh and American action films that the post-pubescent channels didn’t want to go near.

Why the hell was Channel 5 invented?

Channel 5 was invented as a sort of industrial-strength waste paper bin for all the flakes of scummy detritus that real television didn’t want to touch. Scientists at Oxford have calculated that, if left to its own devices, Channel 5 could evolve and become a beige version of BBC Three.

Culture news – “The Complete Emails of Peter Andre” to be published next year

Following the success of communication-based compilation books, such as The Complete Letters of Oscar Wilde and The Complete Letters of John Keats, a small publishing company based in London – following talks with esteemed singer/television personality/generic moldable celebrity figure Peter Andre – has taken the challenge of compiling the entire email history of the man and his contacts into a single, sexually leatherbound book.