The PlayStation Vita isn’t a toaster, but it’s still a wonderful device

Resident carpet-lover Stephen Tailby ponders his feelings on Sony’s latest shiny powerball of delight, the PlayStation Vita

Through no fault of my own, I bought the new SonyStation Vista. It was already written in blood on the finest parchment with the feather of a Brazilian Diamond Hawk. Most people would question the existence of the Brazilian Diamond Hawk, but these people do not deserve the finest. They stick to what they know will work, common knowledge, popularity. These people own iPhones and a car that cost them roughly the same.

Not me. I believe in the Brazilian Diamond Hawk, and I believe in the PlayStation Vita. First, because I’ve been to Brazil and studied the gorgeous creature at great length in its natural habitat, and second, because I’ve spent about a month with the Princess of Sony and she is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever cradled in my hands – and she’s a brilliant playmate in bed, too.

If you’re still unconvinced that the Vita is worth your increasingly meaningless wages (which is likely, considering the gaping lack of reasons and points why you should go get one now), then perhaps this carelessly thought together list of things I love and hate about the device will help even your face.

Girl on the platform smiles like a teleporting serial killer witch of death

The Match.com advert is prologue to a horrific tale of lust and bloodlust, argues Stephen Tailby

“Girl on the platform, smile,” drones the man on the other platform. His guitar produces a sound somewhere between a plink and a plonk – plenk? – and the curly, desperate male is a plank.

Initially, I had almost no issues with Match.com’s current advert. It seemed a sweet, silly story about a male who sees a female and endeavours to woo her via the power of music. My only problem with the ad back then was the woman. There was something about her that seemed off. There still is, in fact. The difference now, however, is that I’ve figured it out. I know what it is about her that makes me feel slightly uneasy. And none of it is shown on TV.

But I’ll get onto that a bit later, for I have some complaining to do.

Bobby Kotick on Valentine’s Day

“I wish people didn’t hate me so much,” laments Activision Blizzard’s Bobby Kotick on Valentine’s Day.

02/14/2011, 10am

To my dearest of diaries,

Today is Valentine’s Day! I just love Valentine’s Day, because that’s a lovely thing to love, right?

I caught the eye of Cassandra from PR again. I’m certain that Cassandra and I will engage in pubic relations soon. I left a cheeky Call of Duty-branded card on her desk. The words on the front were great! It said, “I want to Prestige your heart.” Ha! There was a picture of Captain Price holding a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a live grenade in the other.

Eurogamer Expo 2011 – SSX preview

In September 2011, Stephen Tailby, sixth winner of Nigerian Big Brother, attended the Eurogamer Expo and demoed only one game. Traumatised by the experience, he refused to provide a review. Nobody knows who wrote the following.

Oh, man! Oh, jeez! Oh, great chiropodists of the world! This is all I could have hoped for. The mad snowboarding game I loved on PS2, the brilliant SSX, is coming back, and this time it’s been slathered with T-Cut.  T-Cut is a famous brand of polish, so the new SSX looks good.  Super awesome good. Especially for a game that isn’t due out until early next year.

The Disjointed Adventures of Huxley Finnigan – Chapter 2

There was a distinct pattern, Huxley noticed as he meandered through the woods, that the trees shared entirely.  Each and every one of the oxygen-spewing, squirrel-infested bastards (an incident in which a tree fell on Huxley’s sprightly puppy, Jupiter, had left him somewhat bitter) was completely covered in the word “toot”.  Not one twig had escaped the unrelenting scribblings of some tree-carving loon.

The Disjointed Adventures of Huxley Finnigan

Huxley positioned himself precariously at the cliff’s edge. It was the highest he’d ever found himself, referring to measurable, vertical height. If it were possible to compare intoxication and being in a high place, Huxley had surely been higher than this cliff before, but right then and there was no time for digression. Indeed, he had digressed over two hours before and done exceedingly well as usual. No, right then and there was time for a great deal more relevant thought.

“I must ponder hard,” thought Huxley, “for my next move could leave me dead. And that might hurt, or something.”