Helga Rantrunska, a Russian prostitute on Omegle

From Russia with love; a Russian prostitute in erotic conversation on popular chat website, Omegle.com.

Helga Rantrunska is a close friend of mine, and coincidentally a twenty-two year old female prostitute. She was born in Stripagrad, Russia, a smoky vagrant town six miles east of Moscow, daughter to a violent lemonade salesman and Lady Communism. Helga continues to live in the town, now routinely auctioning her flesh at the infamous Magnitogawp brothel. It is said that Stalin frequented the brothel as a revolutionary, supposedly contributing the slogan, “Don’t be a red square, comrade!”

The following is a genuine conservation from the popular chat website Omegle.com, accidentally saved to my laptop by Helga in a fit of frenzied love-making. A word of warning: it’s a bit rude. It’s not safe for work, as they say. It’s not safe for anywhere, really.

Exclusive interview with Dented Bells

Liquid Knightrogen and Dandy Turquoise, the jean-munching stupor stars of pindie stone sensation Dented Bells, join bread&crows to discuss their new single, Ghosts.

b&c: Hello. Alright, chaps?

DT: Aye. Yourself?

b&c: Yes, I’m doing very well. I love your outfit, Liquid. Sort of Roman.

LK: Greek, actually. I’ve been reading a lot of Homer.

DT: Homer who?

LK: Sexual.

DT: That’s funny.

‘The Apprentice’ should be renamed ‘Dragon’s Den’

If David Icke didn’t enjoy the seventh series of ‘The Apprentice’, who the bladdy hell did? David Rattigan examines the reality show’s reptilian overtones and overlords.

I could watch The Apprentice continually until asteroids penetrated the atmosphere and torched all human achievement like an arsonist in the National Archives, and feel satisfied that my lonely life had served a smidgeon of purpose. It’s like cake, only nicer, and not tainted with the nose grease of a thousand spotty Portal fanboys squealing and ejaculating over how much of a lie it is.

This year’s Apprentice gave me shivers, however. Bad shivers.