bread&crows at Eurovision 2012, 8pm BST

From 8pm tonight, we’ll be live-tweeting the final of the Eurovision Song Contest. Follow @breadandcrows for the resultant packets of hastily-gathered words.

Deeply moved by our Twitter commentaries of recent television events, Graham Norton has invited two of bread&crows’ most esteemed figures, Stephen Tailby and Jamie Breeze, to replace him in narrating the final of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012. Stephen and Jamie will be perched within Mr Norton’s luxury cardboard box at the top of Baku Crystal Hall, and will provide a sparkling, dynamic review of what is sure to be a display of Europe’s finest musical talents.

Actually, I’m lying.

Instead, the two passable examples of humanity will tune into a feed of the event broadcast illegally from an electrified coat hanger stapled to the roof of a cattle shed somewhere in Bulgaria, and translate what they see on their flickering screens into three hours of disheartened tweeting. They will probably compare Engelbert Humperdinck to a shaved Wookiee at least twice.

So join Stephen and Jamie on Twitter at eight o’clock tonight for the Eurovision Song Contest final. You may as well. I mean, why not? Why the hell not?

twitter.com/breadandcrows

bread&crows at the British Soap Awards, 8pm BST, 02/05/12

Soap Awards? We’ll scrub up nicely. Ha ha. Follow @breadandcrows for our skin-kind coverage. Don’t get in eyes. Etc.

As you possibly don’t know, we’ve done some Twitter commentaries of stuff on the telly before, during the BAFTAs and the BRIT Awards.

We had fun, our tweets impressed one of the BAFTA-nominated producers, and our lives felt briefly meaningful, so we’re going to do it again.

Join us on Wednesday the second of May at 8pm BST, when we satirically live-tweet the living daylights out of the British Soap Awards.

Like the Home Guard, we’re thoroughly unprepared and largely clueless. All we know about the Awards is that Michelle Keegan is nominated for ‘Sexiest Female Woman Human’ and that the ceremony promises to be the “most exciting and glamorous awards night in the showbiz calendar!”

We’ll see about that, British Soap Awards 2012. We’ll just see about that. We’ll definitely see about that. We’ll see. W’see. Wee.

twitter.com/breadandcrows

bread&crows at the BRIT Awards, 8PM GMT

We’re live-tweeting the BRIT Awards ceremony from 8PM GMT tonight. Follow @breadandcrows for our shaky coverage.

As some of you possibly know, we – the bread&crows time and space wasters – provided a live commentary of the BAFTA ceremony on Twitter a few days ago. Spewing out approximately twelve idiotic tweets per second, we soon found ourselves colliding with the frankly fascist update limit, and the commentary came to an abrupt end.

We didn’t take this to be a metaphor, though, oh no. In fact, we grew rather enamoured with the idea of being stupid and ignorant on Twitter for hours at a time. It made us feel like celebrities.

So, to distract ourselves from the harsh realities of modern existence, and to selflessly provide you, our dearest reader, with a bit of “five star entertainment” (bread&crows, 2012), we will be taking to Twitter TONIGHT, at 8 o’clock, to narrate the BRIT Awards.

Settle down with your telly and your Twitter, and expect your screen to fill with leagues of unnecessarily cruel, snide, and mocking remarks about various talented artists (by which I mean expect the BRIT nominees to harshly criticise us).

Bring an umbrella.

twitter.com/breadandcrows

bread&crows at the BAFTAs – the highlights

bread&crows’ official BAFTA host application, written as stupidly as possible; a few of the things we tweeted whilst watching the British Academy Film Awards.

Hello, dearest reader (you are our favourite).

As you may or may not know, the bread&crows campaign to physically capsize Twitter during the BAFTA ceremony failed, and the website, with all of its 140-character passengers, remained afloat. We did, however, manage to spout a few bullets of liquid wit; by which I mean we did some tweets.

Sure, we lost a couple of followers – perhaps we even drove them to insanity – but it wasn’t all in vain.

The producer of BAFTA-nominated comedy Black Pond, Sarah Brocklehurst, was targeted by one of David Rattigan’s bread&crows outbursts, in which he announced his terrifying plan to marry the poor woman based on the aesthetic value of her last name.

Fortunately, when Brocklehurst came across the proposal, she wasn’t deterred, and proceeded to read through and actively enjoy our coverage of the awards ceremony. She even tweeted to her 590-or-so followers about bread&crows. Well done us, I think. This must be how Edmund Hillary felt on reaching the tip of Earth’s party hat back in 1953.

Anyway, here are a few of the more coherent things we said last night whilst watching the British Academy Film Awards.

bread&crows at the BAFTAs, 9PM GMT

We’re live-tweeting the BAFTA ceremony at 9PM GMT tonight. Follow @breadandcrows for our shaky coverage.

For years, the British Academy Film Awards, as hosted by the British Academy of Film and Television Arts (BAFTA), has been the victim of an existential dent. Right there, on its left shin, do you see? The shin of the BAFTA awards ceremony has been hideously bruised due to a subtle lack of something more; a lack of beauty, a lack of intelligence.

But no longer.

Observe as we, the bread&crows gaggle, set fire to Twitter in a storm of BAFTA-focused tweets, punching out the dent in its shin and bringing a crown of glory to its previously flawed head.

By which I mean we’ll be doing a running commentary of the ceremony over at twitter.com/breadandcrows. Join us.

Expect comedy, confusion, and idiots.

Imagine that you’re Niko Bellic

Niko Bellic, Hallowe'en 2008, dressed as Barry Chuckle

Watch as we brazenly advertise our social networking outlets using the medium of Grand Theft Auto IV.

Imagine for a moment that you’re Grand Theft Auto IV protagonist, Niko Bellic, but with a better haircut. It’s an average day in Liberty City. You’re squinting at a fuzzy computer screen. There’s an ominous itchy sensation in your bulging Bulgarian ball sack.

A ringing cell fractures the silence. It’s your cousin, Roman.

“Wanna go bowling!” he spurts. “Beeg American titties!”

You utter one of voice actor Michael Hollick’s various pre-recorded responses.

“No way, Roman. Pees orff.”

You crush the phone like a brownie between your teeth.

A collection of white and yellow words ping into view, accompanied by the noise of a sneezing metal bird.

Roman wants you to follow twitter.com/breadandcrows

“I said pees orff!” you groan. “Don’t you know what ‘pees orff’ means?”

You ignore the prompt and continue glaring at the glaring screen. More words.

Roman wants you to follow breadandcrows.tumblr.com

“I want to pierce Roman’s tongue with a metal coathanger, cut off his ears using the hands of a grandfather clock, and throw his limp, aching body off a bridge,” you think aloud, “or whatever it is that angry Eastern Europeans do to their annoying cousins.”

Roman wants you to like facebook.com/breadandcrows

After several moments’ hesitation, an irate blood vessel protruding from your skull, you follow Roman’s instructions.

You are ripped from your seat by an explosion of air, your eyes seared by a great white flash. Hundreds and thousands of in-game trophies and achievements crash through the ceiling, smashing and splintering by your feet. By simply embracing bread&crows’ expansive social networking empire, you instantly complete Grand Theft Auto IV, as well as every other Grand Theft Auto game, including unreleased Grand Theft Auto V, and Crazy Frog Racer, for some reason. Gene Wilder bounds into the room.

“You’ve won, Niko!” he yells. “You’ve won! You did it! You’ve won!”

And so, my friends, imagine for a moment that you’re Grand Theft Auto IV protagonist, Niko Bellic, but with a better haircut. Do what must be done.

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bread&crows’ favourite TV shows of 2011

A collection of our favourite TV shows from the year that was last year.

2011 was busier than a packet of Skittles sicked up by a gay rights activist. Everyone fell in love with a bum, or out of love in Katy Perry’s case; an innocent old man was smeared in custard pie by a bloke named Johnny Marbles, presumably a children’s television presenter from a planet made from sponge and latex; there was panic on the streets of London, panic on the streets of Birmingham, but sadly no lynched disc jockeys; and every evil figure in the world died as though the Earth was some failing soap opera and God was desperately trying to increase viewing figures.

“Make it stop!” the television sobbed, shitting colourful streaks of news on the rug like an incontinent Fiona Bruce, shiny blobs in the shape of Colonel Gadaffi and JK Rowling. Though what did we care? Television news was outdated, the equivalent of a caveman playing WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It whilst humming Pop Muzik by M. We much preferred reading ten-year old articles about Bath on the far superior Facebook newspaper app. But sometimes we’d pacify that howling black mirror by changing the channel; from crowded streets lined with weeping children on Sky News, to crowded streets lined with weeping children on The Young Apprentice.

Find out bread&crows’ favourite TV shows of 2011 after the jump.

bread&crows’ favourite video games of 2011

A collection of our favourite video games from the year that was last year.

2011 was busier than a packet of Skittles sicked up by a gay rights activist. Everyone fell in love with a bum, or out of love in Katy Perry’s case; an innocent old man was smeared in custard pie by a bloke named Johnny Marbles, presumably a children’s television presenter from a planet made from sponge and latex; there was panic on the streets of London, panic on the streets of Birmingham, but sadly no lynched disc jockeys; and every evil figure in the world died as though the Earth was some failing soap opera and God was desperately trying to increase viewing figures.

The video games world was equally hectic. Battlefield 3 and Modern Warfare 3 fought for the much-coveted position as “Best Genocide Simulator with Number Three in the Title”; V from V for Vendetta was accused of hacking the PlayStation Network, although he viciously and voraciously denied such vituperation as vain vilification; and the finale of BBC’s Young Apprentice saw respected industry experts applaud a shoddy 2D Flash remake of the troll level from Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

Find out bread&crows’ favourite video games of 2011 after the jump.

Don’t worry, bean happy

What’s better than beans? Coffee. What’s better than coffee and beans? Coffee beans. Why do you care? Grow a moustache and sing yourself a lullaby. You’re destined for this, son. Pork loins are at your dispense and expense. May the necklaces of all women in the world find their way to your knees. Free the knees, please the breeze that seizes your knees in such a manner that only the finest locksmiths can break away the gold hidden away between the cracks and crevices that strategically place themselves within your skeletal structure. What’s that? You want coffee? No. Have some beans.

We’re using beans to generate electricity. Then we can force our high magnitude of babble through several cardboard tubes. Sadly, we’re still taping the tubes together. It’s an arduous task. What if the babble seeped through the tubes and trickled to the Australian mainland? Not that we have anything against the Australians. We’re certain they’d enjoy our beans, electricity and babble. They could make some sort of bicycle out of it. Purely, our aim is to prevent any untimely exposure to the highly acidic babble paste.

bread&crows will be with you shortly. We’re almost done fastening the tubes. Take a seat.

Follow @breadandcrows for more updates.