20 things that definitely WON’T happen during Freshers’ Week

DISCLAIMER: Lights of varying colour might happen.

DISCLAIMER: Lights of varying colour might happen.

Freshers’ Week – one week of the year when things do and don’t take place.

You’ve heard all about the things that are going to happen during Freshers’ Week, but what about all the stuff that won’t happen? Because there is a lot of it, and you need to be prepared.

For your sake, we’ve listed twenty instances of that very stuff.

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20 things that will definitely happen to you during Freshers’ Week because Freshers’ Week is really mental

A creature of Greek mythology joins the celebrations

A creature of Greek mythology joins the celebrations

Freshers’ Week – The Greatest Week of Your Life, Bar None (And You’ll Be Visiting Plenty of Bars)

So you’re going to university, are you? Your silly parents probably reckon it’s all about books, hats, and desks, the dweebs. What they’re not counting on is a little something called Freshers’ Week.

Like a terminal illness or Jesus, Freshers’ Week is something that really cannot be explained or described – it must be experienced. Even so, like NHS Direct or the New Testament, we’re going to tell you anyway.

Here are 20 things that will definitely happen to you during Freshers’ Week because Freshers’ Week is really mental.

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iThoughts – Our response to the iPhone 6, the Apple Watch, and *that* Steve Jobs hologram

Cor, look at these watches

Cor, look at these watches

Yesterday, at a massive media event in Cupertino, California, tech company Apple unveiled the latest in its line of expensive smartphones, and threw a curveball in the shape of an expensive smartwatch (nah, we all knew it was coming): the iPhone 6 and the Apple Watch, respectively.

Here’s what the good men and women of Bread&Crows made of it all.

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Bread&Crows at the iPhone 6 launch – liveblog details

B&C@IP6L0909146PMBST
We’re liveblogging the iPhone 6 launch event from 6pm BST / 10am PDT. Join us on Twitter for our insubstantial coverage.

We’ve been away for a while, but now we’re back. Wahey, wahoo, etc. Did you miss us? Probably not. Bet you didn’t even realise we’d gone. How’s that for gratitude? After all we’ve done for you. Remember that time we looked after your baby so you could go and see The Wolf of Wall Street? Oh, what does it matter that it wasn’t actually your baby?

Speaking of babies (and repugnant displays of capitalism), tech company Apple are set to give birth to the iPhone 6 at a special launch event today. Their aluminium womb is bulging, and their waters – just like the screen of every Apple product we’ve owned – are about to break. It’s our intention, in classic Bread&Crows style, to liveblog the whole ordeal. You’re very welcome to join us. Things are set to kick off in sunny Cupertino at 6pm BST, or 10am PDT, depending on which side of the vast Atlantic you inhabit.

So, snap on your purple gloves (open the live stream) and join us in the delivery room (follow us on Twitter) for the birth of a century (no, not The Birth of a Nation).

Now, push! PUSH!!!

Bread&Crows: Twitter | Facebook

The Bread&Crony Awards 2013 – Best Movies

Bread and Cronies Best Movie

2013 has stopped happening. It’s stopped. Flatlined. The doddering old lady of 2013 has been pulverised by the speeding bus of 2014. Hark, though: work beckons.

We’ve been tasked by Big Crony (golden effigy pictured) to rifle through our files and evaluate the cultural givings of 2013. Next up – and with no pressure from the mobster to vote in a certain way – its movies.

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The Bread&Crony Awards 2013 – Best TV Shows

2013 has stopped happening. It’s stopped. Flatlined. The doddering old lady of 2013 has been pulverised by the speeding bus of 2014. Hark, though: work beckons.

We’ve been tasked by Big Crony (golden effigy pictured) to rifle through our files and evaluate the cultural givings of 2013. First up – and with no pressure from the mobster to vote in a certain way – its TV shows.

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Bitesize Review – The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

catchingfire

Right, well, sit down. This won’t take long. It’s just a quick root canal, or a filling, or a… something. Lie back, breathe deeply, relax (but don’t fall asleep), and endure the procedure. Gosh, your teeth are terrible.

Oh, by the way, have you seen The Hunger Games: Catching Fire?

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Doctor Who: a defence of confused canon

John Hurt, baffled by the continuity of Doctor Who.

John Hurt, baffled by the continuity of Doctor Who

Spoilers abound.

Unless you’ve been living with the Rock (who hates watching science fiction; “not in my name,” he says), you’ll have seen the fiftieth anniversary special of Doctor Who.

Aside from some dodgy quoting of Elizabeth I’s Speech to the Troops at Tilbury, and the fact that One Direction turned up for the BBC3 aftershow thing, I loved it. Good old Doctor WhoThe Five(ish) Doctors Reboot, written and directed by one Peter Davison, though, was perhaps even better. You should watch it. It deserved more than the red button treatment.

Anyway. Some people are angry that Moffat has “rewritten” series one to seven. “He’s rewritten the canon!” they cry.

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Bitesize Review – Gravity

Right, well, sit down. This won’t take long. It’s just a quick root canal, or a filling, or a… something. Lie back, breathe deeply, relax (but don’t fall asleep), and endure the procedure. Gosh, your teeth are terrible.

Oh, by the way, have you seen Gravity?

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Up and Down in Paris – A Diary

Paris, which is in France.

Paris, which is in France.

DAY ONE

Our journey into Paris was comfortable. The Eurostar took off over the Channel and achieved supersonic speed just minutes into the journey, and the in-flight entertainment – a magazine featuring a Nick Cave interview and a ‘top ten execution methods’ diagram – was none too shabby. The only real issue that comes to mind was my recurring vision of a gremlin scuttling up and down the side of the train, which nobody else witnessed. My wife put it down to some bad milk I’d suffered as a child and crushed a few sleeping pills into my Fanta.

We shuffled out onto the platform at Gare du Nord as dawn broke overhead like an old man’s wrist. I let my hand rest upon a metal barrier and received a bit of a culture shock – nothing major, only twenty-two volts or so, but enough to have me yearning for home like a cold dog. In spite of this, we embarked swiftly on our quest for the hotel, a pretty little place with sweets in a bowl on the front desk.

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